September is Not my Favorite Month

This post was originally posted on a site called Home and School Mosaics on September 2, 2014.

Five years later I am revisiting some of these posts and part of me is nostalgic,missing the days when I was homeschooling and my boys were younger.  Another part is laughing, because they barely seem like the same kids.

Since the Home and School Mosaics site has been down for several years now, I will post these on my own blog for posterity, nostalgia, and a laugh.

I hope you enjoy this re-run of September is Not My Favorite Month.

Here in New York, most school districts begin their school year right after the Labor Day weekend.

When my boys were younger and in public school this was an extremely stressful time for them.

As the lazy days of August began to wind down, it was easy to see them growing more apprehensive.

To make matters worse, well meaning adults would begin to ask all of the usual back-to-school questions. What school did they attend? What grade were they going into? Did they know who their teacher was going to be? Were they looking forward to the first day?

In their own sweet, quirky, and endearing way, my children would try to be honest and polite when speaking with grownups. On a day before the start of first grade, Boy Two was playing the part of public relations/spokesperson for the duo when he replied, “September is not my favorite month.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. He said it with such sincerity! Now any time our summers are interrupted by questions about school we laugh and use that as our standard answer.

Thankfully, homeschooling has made that first day less loathsome, but none of us are waving the pompoms as we contemplate getting back into the daily routine of cracking open the books. Once we get started we are fine, but we do love the laid back days of summer!

It was for this reason I learned to begin gently.

We have some traditions that help us jump start each year.

These rituals are the tiny sparks that start to smolder and eventually ignite the brain cells to get back into the swing of hings.

Our favorite is “not back to school” day.  When yellow buses roll out and our publicly schooled friends attend their first day of classes, we celebrate our break from this lifestyle by sleeping late, going out for lunch, and catching a movie matinee.

The next day, when we officially begin our new grade level, I make a special breakfast.

After we eat, I surprise my students with some new games, books, and clothes for the school year. We spend the first day simply checking out the new curriculum, setting up a schedule, and listing our goals.

While they don’t exactly cheer the start of each new school day, we do manage to enjoy our time together. They are bright students and I love helping them learn.

Do you have any special traditions that help kick off your school year?

Less Words Wednesday – New MMA Belts!

This week, I'm so proud of my boys! 

They just earned another MMA belt.



 Look at how far they've come!  



*Sniffle*

Wordless Wednesday - Passed Out! #WW

This is one of my favorite photos from when the boys were little.

It still makes me laugh.

April is Autism Awareness Month - But we Live it Every Day - #Autism

If you read my blog regularly, then you must know by now that my sons are both diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.  The world has come a long way in terms of autism awareness.  We all know that autism exists - but sadly, the rate of diagnoses is still climbing.  Hopefully the many events and fundraisers will bring us closer to a day when autism no longer exists.  Until that day, we also hope that awareness will bring about better understanding, even for kids like mine, who are high functioning.  

When they were still in the public school system, I took special care to visit my boys' teachers before each school year began.  I would get nods and smiles.  I would leave feeling as though there was some sort of recognition, only to find myself back in at least one of the classrooms a few weeks later.  This was the point in time when the teachers realized that Asperger Syndrome meant more than just a bright kid with a few lovable quirks.

This second session was used for explaining why my children find it nearly impossible to ask for help, that reading ability didn't equal comprehension, how the overall set up of a public school triggers sensory integration disorder, why it was hard for my children to make transitions, and more.

If I was explaining these things to educators with Masters Degrees, (who will be dealing with more and more autism spectrum students every year)  it is certainly no surprise when most citizens don't recognize these traits as autism.

As young boys, the autism was much more obvious.  They flapped their hands, they walked around in costumes, and the speech that they copied (called echolalia) was juvenile.  It was easy to figure out that they were quoting something they had heard somewhere else.

Now they are pre-teens.  They have traded flapping for nail biting, foot tapping, noise making,or hair twisting.  They dress "cool", and their scripted speech comes from tween oriented television or movies, so they can often sound a bit sassy.  (unfortunately, there aren't anymore Wally Cleavers on television..)

For us, the photo below is what autism looks like.  They look just like ordinary kids.

For years, we have worked intensively on social skills.  Their progress is very encouraging, but on difficult days their clear speech and good carriage will earn us looks of scorn because these boys don't "look" autistic.  But, "autistic" doesn't have a "look".  For every person diagnosed, it has its own manifestation.  Even my own children, who are identical twins, can be autistic differently.  And so we have endured many  "tsk, tsks", sighs, groans, and other words and sounds of general disapproval when their behavior may seems immature or I look like a terrible mother.

Oh, yes, there's that.  My parenting skills are often under the microscope.  People who know us will either praise the wonderful job I am doing, or express their opinions about how shameful it is that I am depriving my children of all of the great socialization opportunities available in a public school.  (That has a tendency to make me laugh)

Then there are those who don't know us.  These folks will either be charmed by two young men with exquisite vocabularies and excellent manners, or they will be appalled that boys of their age are acting out over an unseen anxiety, or behaving poorly during a difficult transition.

Some of the Hallmark traits people diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome share are delays in emotional maturity, anxiety, an unusual ability to memorize facts, problems coping with stress, and difficulty expressing emotions or thoughts.  (This is why they use the quoted speech from movies and television so often.)

There is also a tendency to fixate on favorite subjects and become obsessed with them to the point that they interject that subject into every conversation, even when it isn't appropriate.

Usually, these kids will have the emotional capacity of a child two thirds of their actual age.  My boys who are almost twelve have the problem solving skills of 8 year olds.  This gap will begin to close in their twenties.

If the latest statistics of diagnoses are correct, and 1 in 88 children are being diagnosed with some form of autism, then it is nearly impossible to be alive and not have autism touch your life in some way.

Please take advantage of the educational opportunities being presented all month long.  The ribbons, walks, auctions, and blue lights are amazing, and I am grateful for them - coupled with knowledge they are even better.  My greatest wish is that my boys someday see a cure, but for today, I will take compassion and understanding.

Twin Sensitivity Training 101 #twins

Identical twins are fascinating.  They just are.

My boys will be twelve soon, and after almost a dozen years, I still marvel at them.  Before they were  born, my enormous growing belly and their impending twin-ness dominated every conversation.  I received a lot of advice, and Wow!  Let me tell you -  people are not at all shy about telling a new mom how to raise her children.  Especially twins!

Then, they were born.  I don't know if they have added a chapter yet, but there was nothing in the "Everything You Will Ever Need to Know to Be a SuperMom of Multiples" books about fielding the questions.  I was not prepared for it!  I quickly learned to leave home at least ten extra minutes earlier if I had to make an appointment.   It was simply not possible to go anywhere without playing 20 Questions, and a quick version of the Can You Spot the Difference game.

(as seen on the website spotthedifference.com)

As babies, it wasn't so bad.  They didn't understand english, and I was blissfully unaware of what was coming.  I will also (somewhat sheepishly) admit that there were days, in the throws of post partum hormones and infant colic, that I would push the stroller around the mall just to hear, "Oh, how precious!" or, "You're so lucky!  I always wished for twins!"  It was lovely to bask in these compliments, and the oohs and ahhs were just the right medicine for this tired, worn out, new mom.

But, there is a dark side.  I still recall the first time I physically recoiled.  A woman had turned to her husband and proudly stated, "Oh!  I can tell them apart easily!  That one's eyes are crossing!"  I didn't even know what to say!

It began as a trickle.  "Oh, look, this one is bigger!" or "That one never smiles!"  Over time, the floodgates opened.  "He's got a big freckle by his eye!"  "That one is pigeon toed!" 

Um, hello?  These are my beautiful babies you’re talking about!  Take it easy!  There’s no jackpot for finding the most differences!  I wondered if I should carry gold star stickers as prizes.

I understand that the temptation to compare them is almost impossible to stifle, but, if you encounter twins, please - stop, take a moment, and think first.

I doubt these folks would ever say such things about a single baby.  "Your baby is cute, but man.. look at the way his eyes are crossing!"  or, "Golly he's precious, but have you noticed that he walks funny?"

It became worse as they got older.  I was no longer their protective shield.  Now people were going straight to my boys with their observations and inquisitions.



If you are a sibling, twin or otherwise, you might know how much it stinks to be compared to the people who share your parents' DNA.  I can't tell you how many times I heard that I was nothing at all like my older brother.  Sadly, as an insecure child, the part I heard the loudest was "you are nothing at all.."

Believe me, I was well aware that I wasn't like him, and although I wished and hoped and prayed that I could be as good, or possess his cool head and even temperament, it wasn't what God intended when he made me.  (On the bright side, it was probably a blessing for the sister who followed me, who undoubtedly heard, "Whew!  Thank goodness you are nothing like your sister!")  It was very unkind for adults to compare us that way, and unfair to judge us against each other.

Thankfully, only our teachers did this, and it wasn’t happening on a daily basis – but it might be why I am particularly fast to put the kibosh on the frequent comparisons of my own boys.



They are very much alike in very many ways, but they are two unique and individual guys.  They love being twins, but they also like being acknowledged for their own special talents and gifts.  They love it when people take the time to know their names, and can tell who they are without some sort of rubric formula to figure it out.



A great thing to keep in mind is this.  For every truth, there is an opposite truth.

• Please do not ask who is older.  I haven't even told them, and honestly, it is the matter of a millisecond.  They don't need one more thing to be competitive about.  If one is older, that means one is younger.   I’m not about to give one of them that kind of leverage!
  
• Please don't point out that you see that one is an eighth of an inch taller.  It's inconsequential, really, and the opposite truth is that you see that the other boy is shorter.  The shorter one can hear you.
  
• Please don't say, "He looks a little heavier."   Heavier = fatter.  It's about  half a pound, and I don't want my kid carrying that slap to his self esteem around with him.
  
• Please do not point out deformities, rashes, tics, or any other manifestations of their Asperger Syndrome.  (that one should be obvious)  ie: "He flaps more." or "He is always clearing his throat."

Okay, so that’s the basic gist about observations.  Now, about the questions.  Some are just plain funny.  Yes, they are twins.  Yes, they are identical.  No, they don’t mistake themselves for the other or forget which one they are.  (yes, they have been asked that!)  I was a little bit taken aback when people started asking questions that are usually reserved for an OB-GYN visit, but that happens, too.  Yes, I have my hands full, but I prefer them full – I was sad when they were empty.  I didn’t have IVF, and well, I won’t bore you - but the long list goes on and on and on…

There is not a smarter one, a funnier one, a faster one, a friendlier one, a stronger one, a naughtier one, a good one, or a happier one.  They didn’t get a certain number of athletic, smart, or behavior genes to divvy up amongst themselves - both were given complete sets.  They are as good or as naughty as they choose to be on any given day.  Their academic and athletic performance reflects how much work they put into it, and so on.

Although I mentioned it above, It bears repeating - the question, “Who’s older?” directed at my children will be answered with “We are both eleven.”

I really get pressed about this.  Finally, if a person persists long enough, I give them a short, but fairly complete answer. I have done this so many times that my echolaliac children could repeat their birth story - (including such terminology as abrupted placenta, crash section, vertical incision, and rushed to NICU) at the same time they were learning to sing their ABC’s.  (which is probably a good reminder that even when children can’t talk, they can hear just fine.  Oops.)

They certainly don’t mind talking about themselves, and there are plenty of really great things to ask a twin.  Mine know that they pique people’s curiosity, and they've gotten used to it.  They would be happy to tell you how fun it is to have your best friend around all the time, how they have felt each other’s pain, that they sometimes know what the other one is thinking, and many other things on their long list of what they like about being twins.  They will even tell you the parts that aren’t so great, like having to share the spotlight for all the big “firsts”, rarely having special time alone with me or their dad, and always being called “the boys”. 

Thanks for reading.  Sometimes, things get into my brain and just have to get out.  I appreciate your patience. *smile*

PS - If you really, really, reallly want to know which one was born first, and has that big 0.5 second advantage, I can only be bribed with chocolate. The good kind.

My Amazing Boys

Today I taught my boys things that are considered far above their "grade level".  I watched as they attended their mixed martial arts class.  There was a light saber duel, video games, jokes, imaginative play, and all sorts of appropriate eleven year old boy fun in our house today.

I tucked them into bed, and we said our prayers, and reflected on our day.  Their father read to them for awhile, until their eyes grew heavy.

Here are my guys:



Aren't they handsome?

They are also smart, healthy, and strong.  I love them so much that it sometimes takes my breath away.

Once upon a time, in a doctor's office far, far, away, I was told they would probably not see this day.  I was told that to carry them would be a great risk to my health, and might leave me on dialysis.  I was berated, and bullied, and told that carrying them wasn't worth what it would do to me - considering their odds of survival were so low.

I walked away and didn't look back.  I found a doctor who would support me, vowed to give me and my growing babies the best medical care possible, and promised to pray about the things that were not in his power.

At 18 weeks, I was put on full  bedrest.  At 24 weeks, all signs indicated they would be born soon.  These boys had other plans.  They were born at almost 32 weeks gestation.

Although very small (the two of them together weighed less than seven pounds!) they were healthy.  Both boys were taken off of ventilators in less than 8 hours, and came home with me after only two and a half weeks in NICU.

I never considered any other alternative.  I know that I'm blessed and lucky to have our beautiful sons.  I'm glad they defied the statistics.

Imagine if I had listened to the first doctor?

Alphabe-Thursday - 9/1 -Twenty Tiny Toes

It's Thursday.  I love Thursday because it means it's Alphabe-Thursday with Jenny Matlock at ...off on my tangent...

Today we tout the terrific letter "T".

Take a look at these Tiny Toes:

I made the picture pretty close to the actual size.  That is what the footprints of a thirty-two week preemie twin look like.  Before I could hold my babies, I could only touch their toes.  They were tethered to many tubes. It was tough.

Time passed, and the twins grew.  They were tenacious!  Take a look at these too cute thighs, and the twenty, tiny, toddler tootsies a year later!

Here they are now.  Twenty Tween Toes that travel under these Tech Toting Twins.

Time flies...



Some bonus "T" - Don't miss my post on the SheSpeaks blog about parenting Twins.