September is Not my Favorite Month

This post was originally posted on a site called Home and School Mosaics on September 2, 2014.

Five years later I am revisiting some of these posts and part of me is nostalgic,missing the days when I was homeschooling and my boys were younger.  Another part is laughing, because they barely seem like the same kids.

Since the Home and School Mosaics site has been down for several years now, I will post these on my own blog for posterity, nostalgia, and a laugh.

I hope you enjoy this re-run of September is Not My Favorite Month.

Here in New York, most school districts begin their school year right after the Labor Day weekend.

When my boys were younger and in public school this was an extremely stressful time for them.

As the lazy days of August began to wind down, it was easy to see them growing more apprehensive.

To make matters worse, well meaning adults would begin to ask all of the usual back-to-school questions. What school did they attend? What grade were they going into? Did they know who their teacher was going to be? Were they looking forward to the first day?

In their own sweet, quirky, and endearing way, my children would try to be honest and polite when speaking with grownups. On a day before the start of first grade, Boy Two was playing the part of public relations/spokesperson for the duo when he replied, “September is not my favorite month.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. He said it with such sincerity! Now any time our summers are interrupted by questions about school we laugh and use that as our standard answer.

Thankfully, homeschooling has made that first day less loathsome, but none of us are waving the pompoms as we contemplate getting back into the daily routine of cracking open the books. Once we get started we are fine, but we do love the laid back days of summer!

It was for this reason I learned to begin gently.

We have some traditions that help us jump start each year.

These rituals are the tiny sparks that start to smolder and eventually ignite the brain cells to get back into the swing of hings.

Our favorite is “not back to school” day.  When yellow buses roll out and our publicly schooled friends attend their first day of classes, we celebrate our break from this lifestyle by sleeping late, going out for lunch, and catching a movie matinee.

The next day, when we officially begin our new grade level, I make a special breakfast.

After we eat, I surprise my students with some new games, books, and clothes for the school year. We spend the first day simply checking out the new curriculum, setting up a schedule, and listing our goals.

While they don’t exactly cheer the start of each new school day, we do manage to enjoy our time together. They are bright students and I love helping them learn.

Do you have any special traditions that help kick off your school year?

April is Autism Awareness Month - But we Live it Every Day - #Autism

If you read my blog regularly, then you must know by now that my sons are both diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.  The world has come a long way in terms of autism awareness.  We all know that autism exists - but sadly, the rate of diagnoses is still climbing.  Hopefully the many events and fundraisers will bring us closer to a day when autism no longer exists.  Until that day, we also hope that awareness will bring about better understanding, even for kids like mine, who are high functioning.  

When they were still in the public school system, I took special care to visit my boys' teachers before each school year began.  I would get nods and smiles.  I would leave feeling as though there was some sort of recognition, only to find myself back in at least one of the classrooms a few weeks later.  This was the point in time when the teachers realized that Asperger Syndrome meant more than just a bright kid with a few lovable quirks.

This second session was used for explaining why my children find it nearly impossible to ask for help, that reading ability didn't equal comprehension, how the overall set up of a public school triggers sensory integration disorder, why it was hard for my children to make transitions, and more.

If I was explaining these things to educators with Masters Degrees, (who will be dealing with more and more autism spectrum students every year)  it is certainly no surprise when most citizens don't recognize these traits as autism.

As young boys, the autism was much more obvious.  They flapped their hands, they walked around in costumes, and the speech that they copied (called echolalia) was juvenile.  It was easy to figure out that they were quoting something they had heard somewhere else.

Now they are pre-teens.  They have traded flapping for nail biting, foot tapping, noise making,or hair twisting.  They dress "cool", and their scripted speech comes from tween oriented television or movies, so they can often sound a bit sassy.  (unfortunately, there aren't anymore Wally Cleavers on television..)

For us, the photo below is what autism looks like.  They look just like ordinary kids.

For years, we have worked intensively on social skills.  Their progress is very encouraging, but on difficult days their clear speech and good carriage will earn us looks of scorn because these boys don't "look" autistic.  But, "autistic" doesn't have a "look".  For every person diagnosed, it has its own manifestation.  Even my own children, who are identical twins, can be autistic differently.  And so we have endured many  "tsk, tsks", sighs, groans, and other words and sounds of general disapproval when their behavior may seems immature or I look like a terrible mother.

Oh, yes, there's that.  My parenting skills are often under the microscope.  People who know us will either praise the wonderful job I am doing, or express their opinions about how shameful it is that I am depriving my children of all of the great socialization opportunities available in a public school.  (That has a tendency to make me laugh)

Then there are those who don't know us.  These folks will either be charmed by two young men with exquisite vocabularies and excellent manners, or they will be appalled that boys of their age are acting out over an unseen anxiety, or behaving poorly during a difficult transition.

Some of the Hallmark traits people diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome share are delays in emotional maturity, anxiety, an unusual ability to memorize facts, problems coping with stress, and difficulty expressing emotions or thoughts.  (This is why they use the quoted speech from movies and television so often.)

There is also a tendency to fixate on favorite subjects and become obsessed with them to the point that they interject that subject into every conversation, even when it isn't appropriate.

Usually, these kids will have the emotional capacity of a child two thirds of their actual age.  My boys who are almost twelve have the problem solving skills of 8 year olds.  This gap will begin to close in their twenties.

If the latest statistics of diagnoses are correct, and 1 in 88 children are being diagnosed with some form of autism, then it is nearly impossible to be alive and not have autism touch your life in some way.

Please take advantage of the educational opportunities being presented all month long.  The ribbons, walks, auctions, and blue lights are amazing, and I am grateful for them - coupled with knowledge they are even better.  My greatest wish is that my boys someday see a cure, but for today, I will take compassion and understanding.

2006 - The Summer of Superman

A few weeks ago, I shared a story that revolved around my boys obsession with the Titanic.  I have had a few people say to me, "Well, all kids go through phases, that's not unusual!" and agree, all kids do.

However, my boys take phases to a new level.  I still call the middle of 2006 "The Summer of Superman".

 This video, compiled of photos taken over a three month period, only reflects wardrobe choices.  (because I used a song by the band Three Doors Down to accompany the montage, you might not be able to view it here.  :(  )

The books, action figures, videos, and other miscellaneous items that filled our home are not shown in great detail, but I assure you, they were plentiful!

I had fun with their birthday party that year - Don't you love this Daily Planet and the Superman Standee?  We put all the presents under there.

It's hard to believe it was 6 years ago, and about 25 obsessions ago, too.   Time flies...

I hope you enjoy the video!

Memory Lane - Too Much Titanic

One of the things I have come to expect as a parent of Aspies is that when our boys become interested in something, it becomes the primary focus of their life.  As Toddlers, it was Blue's Clues.  They were never without a "Handy Dandy Notebook", they had "Thinking Chairs" and they even had the same shirts as Steve and Joe.

And so it goes.  I can tell you more than you ever wanted to know about Thomas the Tank Engine, Toy Story, Super Heroes, Star Wars and Harry Potter, and more.  They are definitely immersion learners.  If we provide the means, they quickly become experts.

When discussing their favorite bands, they can tell you the biographies of the members, the albums available, which track a song can be found on and how long the track is.  They will tell you about their favorite Lego sets, including prices, piece counts and release dates.

When they were about seven years old, they learned about the RMS Titanic, and her terrible fate.  Soon, they had read books, watched documentaries, learned the names of the crew and passengers, and the timeline from the construction, to the day she sunk.  They know the coordinates of where the wreckage lies, and watched footage of the underwater exploration.

 The RMS Titanic, White Star Lines

Being visual learners, they enjoyed the DVDs and books with photographs the most.  They were very impressed by the luxury and the elegance.  The beautiful dining room china and crystal, the clothing and jewelry worn by the passengers, the carved staircase, and the fancy guest quarters all left quite an impression on their young minds.

Several of the narrations all came to the same conclusion.  The sinking of the Titanic was the "tragic end of an era."

The bow of the Titanic in her undersea grave.

Photo credit Emory Kristof/National Grographic 

At this same time, in our hometown, there was a large fabric store that my mother loved to frequent.  It was in a great location, and had a wide selection of items that she needed for her quilting.  We would often meet her there if we had plans to do something together.

Then, one day we drove by and saw the sign.  "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS"

I pointed it out to the boys who were in the back seat, and we all agreed that their grandmother was NOT going to be very happy to hear this news.

Then, I heard a quiet, thoughtful, voice remark, "This is the tragic end of an era....."

Indeed, it was.  And now, whenever we close a chapter in our lives, I'm sure you can guess what we say.  =)

The Sunny Side of the Spectrum - R.S.V.P

My guys always feel conflicted about party invitations.  They love the idea of the party, and usually have fun, but the anticipation, and concern about what might occur at an event leaves them a little bit anxious.  Will there be a clown?  Loud music?  Food they don't care for?  Most times, they accept the invitation, and we have a great time.  sometimes we may have to leave early, and almost always, we have to go home and decompress afterward.

The one that stands out for me the most clearly was an invitation to a birthday party of a classmate.  Boy one brought the invitation home, we looked at it, and immediately, both of my sons refused to go.  

This made me very concerned!  Was this child bullying them at school?  Was there something I should know about?  I tried to get the information out casually.  I asked if they still got along with the boy.  They assured me they did and that he was a great kid!  I asked if they had been told not to come by some of the more unkind children in the class.  Again, they said no.  I took a different approach and asked them if there was something special on television that evening, a place were were supposed to go, or an event I had forgotten about.  No, no, and no.

Now I was really stumped, and since all of the more delicate topics had been cleared I was free to just come right out and ask, so I did.  I asked them why in the world they were so adamant about not attending.

Boy Two picked up the invitation and brought it to me.  "Mom, just look.."

I looked and looked and completely missed the obvious.  I looked again.  Finally the lighbulb went on.  The boy lived  on a street named Dogwood Lane.  After a nasty run in with an untrained German Shepherd, they wouldn't go anywhere near a dog for over a year.

I got up to excuse myself and had a little laugh.  I tried to imagine what a  first grade Aspie mind conjured up when it thought of a street with that name. 

art by Gary Larson

Then I returned and showed them some information about dogwood trees.  We called the boys mother and she assured me they had no dogs, and no dogs would be present at the party, and the boys brightened, and made plans to go.

About the Santa Picture

While it sums up the Love/Hate relationships the boys felt about Christmas and Santa, I should probably give the back story to the photo I used in my last post..

The boys were very happy that day, sitting there on Santa's lap.  They were thrilled by the soft suit, and the beard, the colors and the twinkling lights.

Then, it happened.  The photographers thought the boys should look at the camera and smile for their photo.

They tried to get their attention....  By ringing a startling bell and making a mechanical bird start flapping its wings.

The result?  

(Startling any kid is not a good idea.. but especially not an Aspie - or two!)

No worries, they forgive easily.  Two minutes later -

A candy cane made everything better.  :)

Merry Christmas,

The Sunny Side of the Spectrum - Santa Edition

  

Ahh, December...   Decorations, carols, good cheer!  All is calm, all is bright.. unless you have Asperger Syndrome.  

This week I have been thinking about some of the ghosts of Christmases Past.  

In a time before this, when I was not as smart, December always brought with it the "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" cycle.    

Here's how it worked.  The boys would worry (way too much) that they might not behave properly.  Having been told by countless well meaning adults and various Christmas song lyrics that children who misbehave don't get any presents, this was all they could think about.  Sadly, anxiety makes them impulsive and edgy, so the more they thought about good behavior, the more they would act out!  Their brains flashed - NO PRESENTS!  NO PRESENTS!!  and the meltdowns would begin.

This sort of thing tends to suck the joy out of the holiday season.. as you can imagine.

So, we had some talks about Santa, and made some changes regarding Christmas in general.  I began focusing on Advent, and the fun things like decorating, crafts, baking, and giving.  

It's gotten much better now that they are older, but the anticipation of any major event, (and even some not so major!) still creates a stir of anxiety.

But that's not my story.. I want to tell you about Boy Two, who at age five came to me and expressed an urgent desire to see Santa.  We got ourselves ready and headed to the mall.  We practiced our social stories on the way, but he didn't tell me what this was all about.  

Once we arrived, it took a little while before either boy would go near poor Santa.  (They've always been wary of Old Saint Nick.)  Finally, with a little more coaching, and his brother there for support, he was ready.  I figured it must be a last minute addition to his list, so I hovered nearby to catch the conversation.  

I could tell he was nervous.  Eye contact is not his strong suit, but his head was practically turned around backward!  After a little bit of small talk, Boy Two set forth his business.  He told Santa - in no uncertain terms, he didn't want him to come inside our house!  

Bless his little heart.. he didn't want anyone in our house while we slept - and honestly.. who could blame him!!    It really is a little bit creepy, if you think about it.  

Santa was very good - he didn't bat an eye!  He negotiated a deal with my son that would have made Monty Hall proud.  He promised that he would leave the presents on our doorstep for my husband to bring inside.  He then shook hands with both boys to seal the promise.  

As we walked away, I lavished him with praise - I knew that wasn't easy for him!  He turned to me and said, "Great!  Now I have guilt!"

The boys were obsessing on all things Toy Story that year.  That's a line that Rex the Dinosaur says in the movie. (You can see the clip below - footage property of Disney - Pixar)  It was so absolutely precious coming out of his sweet little mouth.  - Oh!  How I love these kids!

I Hope They Remember the Laughter

I know I often write about the challenges that come with raising twins with Asperger syndrome, but I don't think I write nearly enough about how much fun we have.  These guys are funny.  The sound of their laughter - the real, true, from the belly laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds I will ever know.  It's such a great contrast to some of the anxieties and difficulties that they face.

Once of the challenges that people with Asperger Syndrome face is that they tend to be very literal.  If we go to visit friends who live on a street named Valley View Drive, the boys complain loudly when we arrive and there is no view of a valley.  Once, when they were little, I told them I had to lie down, my head was splitting.  Two three year olds quickly climbed up beside me to examine my head. (I wonder if I should be concerned that they were slightly disappointed to see that my head was indeed intact!?)

Today I was remembering a day when they were four years old.  I had prepared some Spanish rice for them, and they were excited to try it.  About halfway through his serving, Boy One looked up, and said "Hi, Mommy!"  Then his forehead creased and he looked quite serious for a moment.  He looked up once more and said "I like this Spanish Rice!"  Then he sighed and looked quite dejected.

I sat down beside him and asked him what was wrong.

"This rice doesn't make me speak Spanish."

Oh, how I love these children!!

2011 Gratitude Challenge - Day 6

Today I am sharing my blessings with Brenda at Garden of Learning who is hosting this month’s Gratitude Challenge.  It’s a daily meme, but a fun, laid back one.  Link up when you’d like and if you miss days, that’s okay, too.

Today I am thankful for my family's health.  It is a beautiful Fall day.  I am sitting at my computer with the window slightly open, and I hear my husband playing with the boys.  They are throwing a football around, and horsing around on the trampoline.

Nobody would ever know from looking that these boys were born way too soon, and have overcome many physical and neurological obstacles - Or that their Dad is a heart attack survivor.  From here, it looks like like a perfect slice of pure Americana.  They are all healthy and running around our backyard on a day that only a few years ago, would have brought both boys into the house wheezing and short of breath from their asthma.

Life is good.

The Total Transformation Program

The Total Transformation Program was designed by James Lehman, a behavioral therapist.  Mr. Lehman came from a rough background that included abandonment as a toddler, oppositional defiant behavior as a child, drug abuse as a teen, crime as a young man and eventually prison.  Until he was taught to be accountable for his own behavior, he remained on a path of destruction.  His goal with this program is to show families how to allocate accountability to abusive, defiant or disruptive teens - so that they don’t become abusive, defiant, disruptive adults.

His basic premise is that poor behavior comes when a child lacks problem solving skills.  He gives parents the tools they need to help their child solve problems, which begins to turn the behavior around.

He is also very clear that there is no excuse for abuse.  Ever.

This program is aimed at changing reactions.  As the parents change, the child will not have the power to disrupt the household any longer.

Kids need parents who set limits.  With this program, parents will be taken step by step through the process.  They will be given the words, and the tools to be the parent their child needs.  The children will be given the responsibility to learn the skills they need to be successful.

While my boys are not disruptive, abusive teens, they are tweens and they have Asperger Syndrome.  Because of the Asperger’s they often lack problem solving skills and emotional maturity.  They have difficulty asking for help when they get stressed or frustrated.  They are starting to test out sassy retorts when they don’t like our rules.  I believe that if we start using these tools now, we can prevent them from having to face troubled teen years.

The program begins with a Jump Start DVD.  It’s a very encouraging 47 minutes in which the program is explained, parents give testimonials, and James Lehman provides his assurances that if parents follow the directions, peace will be restored in their home. He asserts that  a more confident parent is one who can stop disruptive behavior before it escalates.

After viewing the DVD, there is a workbook.  The first exercise is to fill out a pre-evaluation to get an idea of which behaviors to focus on first, what triggers the behaviors, and who suffers the most when the acting out occurs.  The workbook also has some introductory pages about the program and James Lehman.

Once the pre-evaluation is completed, the Audio Lessons can begin.  There are seven CDs included, and the suggestion is to go at a pace of about one lesson per week, implementing the new skills one at a time.  There is also a bonus CD of One Minute Transformations.  These are tools that will “turn around your child’s attitude in one minute or less”.  Stay tuned over the next several weeks as I go through the lessons and share my opinions about them.

If you’d like to learn more about the award winning Total Transformation Program, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com .  You’ll find a lot of information, testimonials and a form to sign up for the Empowering Parents Newsletter. This email newsletter and website are a wealth of parenting help and information. The newsletter is free, and so are all of the resources, which include articles, podcasts, and blogs.

If you have a Facebook account, you may “like” the Total Transformation Program and Empowering Parents pages, too.
So far, I like this program a lot.  There isn’t any blame being cast, and the tone is encouraging and upbeat.  It has a very positive feel to it.  While I’m sure breaking some of my ineffective parenting habits won’t come easy; it will be a good for both me, and my sons, as we prepare to navigate the tween and the teen years ahead.

**I was provided with a copy of the Total Transformation Program in exchange for honest, genuine reviews.  I am not being compensated, and  I am not affiliated with the Total Transformation Program or Legacy publishing.

Lent, Day 22

Today is Autism Awareness Day.  In the Catholic Church today, the reading was from Hosea, and while the words were written about the people of an ancient Israel, I applied them to our lives.  He will heal us.. he will bind us.. he will restore us.

I don't really fall into a camp about autism.  I listen to all sides, because I figure everyone has something to offer.  I see traits genetically, and I see where environment could have factored it as well.  I would love to see my children "cured", but I have accepted that it might never happen, and perhaps isn't meant to happen.

What I know for certain is that my children are perfect in the eyes of God, and I probably focus too much on how I can fix two children who seem to be content with themselves as they are.

So, as I beat myself up over thinking that, I was given some salve for the wounds.  The Gospel today was a parable of two men, one who did everything right and was quite pleased with himself for his fasting and tithing.  The other man knew he was a sinner, and begged for mercy.  I mentally rearranged the story to be about the perfect parent and myself in the place of the two men.

I'm glad I was reminded of my flaws, and also glad I was reminded of God's amazing mercy.

Today is the Day

Today I am going to be going without blogging, facebook, or other social media to help raise awareness and money for people with Autism.   For as little as five dollars, you can be a part of it, too. .

Shhhhh

(This message was written in advance and scheduled for publish on this date)