My children have an amazing ability to remember the things that have traumatized them. As a result, their “I will NEVER do that again!” list is rather extensive. If one of them considers trying something on the list his brother quickly reminds him why the item is on the list.
Sometimes, things just happen. The neighbor’s German Shepard jumps over the fence to chase a cat and the kids have to run for the high ground of the playground equipment. A sunny day suddenly turns dark and we get caught in a cloudburst, or we have to wait at an intersection as a parade with marching bands and ceremonial shot gun blasts goes by.
Other times, it is my own fault – I don’t prepare properly for something. Like when they were six years old and we went to the local minor league baseball game. I was not aware that the team would be putting on a fireworks display. As beautiful as fireworks are, they are also loud. We had purposely avoided fireworks prior to this because of the boys’ sensory issues. As the lovely show exploded into color over our heads, we ran to the car like we were dodging incoming mortars. If I had done a little research, I could have left early or possibly even made it exciting or magical for them. Fireworks were promptly placed in the “never again” list.
As they grow older it is my job to remind them that they recall things from a small child’s perspective. They are now thirteen with an arsenal full of coping skills. While I don’t force them to do things they are anxious about, I do try to encourage them to revisit their opinions and try again. Usually the most important element is that they are around people who make them feel safe, and we don’t overdo it. We slowly and carefully tilt the scene so they they can garner a new perspective.
They now pet dogs (on leashes) don’t mind parades (but won’t go out of their way to see one) and have found ways to pass the time when we have thunder storms. (They have even done well through two hurricanes!) They would not budge on fireworks. Going to a fireworks display involves driving to a destination, getting there early, (more time to fret) and then there are crowds and traffic to deal with in order to get home. Since so many things can go wrong, we haven’t pushed the issue.
Last weekend we were invited to visit with friends at a lake community in the Pocono Mountains. We packed up food, toys, clothes, and were looking forward to a lot of fun. As we walked in, the first person to greet my boys said, “We are so glad you are here! You are going to LOVE the fireworks!” Both boys promptly turned around, and headed straight back to the car. The house – which was right on the lakefront -was also a front row seat to the community’s Fourth of July Weekend Fireworks show!
We talked for a little while and they were able to relax. It was still early and they had friends waiting for them. I promised that if they still wanted to leave when it was time for the fireworks that we would go. They picked up their water guns, joined their friends, and they had a wonderful time.
Time passed and it began to get dark. People from all around the community began streaming down the path beside the house and toward the lake. Night had crept up on us and it was time to make a decision. As it turned out, the boy they were having the most fun with was not a big fan of fireworks either. The three of them decided that if they could stay inside and play their hand held video games they would be okay. The show started, and it got a bit loud but I peeked in and they were all fine.
I returned to the deck to enjoy the show – my first live fireworks in 13 years! Soon the thee boys were all beside me. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t make a big fuss, but I did grab their hands for a squeeze in recognition of their bravery. The longer they watched, the more excited they became. I nonchalantly mentioned that there would be big finale with a ton of explosions all at once. They stayed put.
I realize I might be a bit biased but even through the blur of my tears, I think that was the most magnificent fireworks display in the history of the world. When it ended they could not stop talking about it – for days.
They are learning – one experience at a time – that on the other side of fear and anxiety is a wonderful world. One with rollercoasters, waterslides, the loyalty of a good dog, and even fireworks.
