As I write this column it is a few weeks into the Lenten season. I spent some time today reflecting upon how well this fits with what happens every March here in the North East. I look out the window and winter is trying desperately to hold on, but it is no match for spring. The sun is setting later and the cold is not quite as severe. Soon, just like every other year, the snow will melt, the birds will return, and the gray-brown world will be lost beneath the bright colors of blooming flowers and budding trees.
This is what happens to my heart, too. Even though I am always trying to grow closer to God and to be the best version of myself that I can, winter wears down my spirit. By February I feel a lot like what I see outside my window. Drab, cold, and lifeless. Even the once white snow is stained and ugly.
And so we get to the trouble with my soul. Even though it has been made clean by baptism, it is like those dirty snowbanks because of my human nature and the stain of sin. These forty days “in the desert” where increased prayer, fast, and alms giving are the focus, I can’t help but become more aware of the personal flaws that have crept in and made themselves comfortable while I was not as vigilant as I should have been. These Lenten practices make me acutely aware of my shortcomings and they become so uncomfortable that I don’t want to live with them any more.
I often write about the valuable lessons my children teach me, and one of those lessons is the freedom of a clear conscience. Neither one of them has ever been able to go to sleep at night if they have something to confess. Like my boys, I become restless if my spiritual life is not in order. I do an internal tossing and turning until I am finally ready to unburden myself of my transgressions. For me this means taking advantage of the beautiful sacrament of reconciliation. Others may speak with a spiritual director, share with their prayer group, give their testimony to a congregation or gathering, or take it to God in fervent prayer. Even popular twelve step programs include steps for writing an honest evaluation and sharing it with a trusted person.
What a weight is lifted when I stop my internal struggles! It is funny – I tell my boys that I will always love them (no matter what!) and nothing that they could ever do will change that. Why do I forget that God loves me even more?
Easter is all about redemption. Death had no power over Jesus. He conquered the grave – yet I think I can do a better job with my troubles? He gave us all the key to a joy filled life when He spoke to apostles after His resurrection. He said, “Follow me.”
