Have you ever bumped into an inanimate object and reflexively said, “Oh, sorry!” before you realized how silly it was? I have. Some of the most important words in our language have lost their stature over the years, and sorry is definitely one of them.
Apologies are sometimes like a game of children’s bubbles. Delightful as they come out, but within seconds, invisible. They float away and disappear, as if they had never been there at all.
When my boys were younger and began to have squabbles over toys I would step in, referee, and have them say they were sorry. When they would push, shove, or grab, I instructed them to be gentle and patient, and I would have them say they were sorry. When one would build, arrange, or set up toys a certain way – only to have his brother knock them down or disorganize them, the guilty party was reprimanded, and of course, I would have him say that he was sorry.
Just when I began to feel confident that my offspring would be the epitome of etiquette on the playground, I received my reality check. My sweet, adorable, (but extremely impulse driven) boys would see a beautiful tower of blocks. They would walk over to admire the work… and promptly knock it over. Quite pleased at the result, the offender would hug his stunned sibling and exclaim, “Sowwy!” It played out the same way if one grabbed a toy from another, or bowled his twin over while rushing past. The obligatory apology was always there, but it was certainly not very heartfelt!
I would point out the damage, first. “Look! You’ve knocked over your brother’s tower and it’s all broken! He is very sad now, what should we do?”
Keeping in mind that I was working with very young kids who have Asperger Syndrome, you probably won’t be surprised to read that this usually got me a blank stare. (At least I was trying!) Eventually, I would have to answer the question myself. “If you are truly sorry, you have to fix it!”
This part was fairly simple, and soon we would all be working happily, rebuilding what was broken. Before long, they were saying “Have to fix it!” and then they would proceed to help a fellow off the floor, clean up a mess, or even grudgingly hand over a toy.
As the boys got older, things changed, as they always do. How do you fix a hurtful word that can’t be unsaid, or reclaim the moment that was spoiled when one tried to upstage the other? The hurts were different. The acts themselves couldn’t be fixed, now it was relationships that required maintenance and repair. Sometimes, the transgressor wasn’t even aware that he had caused any pain.
Again, I was at a loss. How do I help them now? During a moment of quiet meditation, it came to me. I remembered a talk I had attended about the healing nature of forgiveness. That was what my boys needed now. They needed to understand that sorry was only a small part of a bigger process. The ultimate goal was forgiveness!!
I put together a hodge podge of ideas I had heard over the years, and came up with an idea. I took a big bar of chocolate, and I began to list some common transgressions. Each time I added a hurt to the list, I would break off a piece off the candy bar. Soon I had an impressive pile of chocolate pieces. Then, I told the boys that no matter how many times I said I was sorry, I could never make that candy bar the same again.
I melted the fragments and poured the mixture into a mold and made it new – but forever changed. I explained that this was like what we do to each other on the inside, we break pieces of each other’s spirits and the pieces come back together again, but never the same way. I also pointed out that fragments get left behind and are swept up and thrown away. Some remained behind, stuck to the pot and would be washed down the drain. These bits are like our trust, and our innocence, lost in increments.
The finished mold was beautiful. This was my visual representation of forgiveness. We can choose to stay broken, or we can make ourselves new, and better.
Now, apologies in our house have several steps. First, we identify the problem. For example, it might include me sitting a boy down and letting him know that when he excluded his brother from a game with friends, it hurt his feelings. From there, he will go and talk to his brother and apologize. However, it is absolutely against the rules to only say “I’m sorry” anymore.
Apologies must include:
1. What we are sorry for.
2. A request for forgiveness
3. An expression of affection
4. Expressed desire to change.
In my case, I might say, “I’m very sorry that I reacted so badly earlier. I should have taken a moment to calm down, and then asked you what happened. I can see now that it was an accident. Next time, I will try to remember that things aren’t always what the appear to be. Can you forgive me?” Hopefully, forgiveness is expressed. A sign of affection is usually added. A hug, a kiss, or between the boys, one of those man handshake, backslap things.
