My boys are identical twins. They share an amazing bond that I cannot even begin to comprehend, but (on most days) I feel privileged to witness. They tell me that they enjoy being an identical twin, but there are some things about it that are not so great.
For instance, about 90% of people who meet them ask them which one is older. For a host of reasons, I have never told them which one was born first. Mostly, I didn’t ever want one to think that they were better simply because he took a breath about ten seconds before his sibling.
For a while, when people asked this question both boys would look at the inquisitor like he was crazy. “We are the same age,” they would reply. There was even a little but of “Duh!” in their tone as they wondered why people didn’t grasp the concept of twins.
That is not really the worst of it though. You should hear what comes after – the part where my children become a real life version of that “can you spot the difference?” game. As a new mother I was shocked as complete strangers would begin picking my children apart right in front of my face. “Oh, that one looks grumpier.” or “He’s definitely chubbier.” “Do his eyes cross?” “That one has a rash on his cheeks.”
I worried that this was going to cause problems as the boys got older, and I was right. When my sons began to understand the constant compare and contrast activities that they were causing, they also began their quest to be “the cool one”. It can be comical – but mostly it is sad. As I mentioned last month, I want them to always have each other’s back and to fortify each other.
As their mother I have always tried to be very conscious about celebrating the differences in my boys while emphasizing how well they complement each other. Unfortunately, given our circumstances it can be difficult to carry this out. They are in the same grade, they enjoy the same sports, they like the same music, and they do the same community service. While this makes my life easy, it is absolutely their own choice. these two LIKE to be together. We even did an extensive renovation project so that they could each have their own bedroom if they wanted. They still share bunk beds. While they are definitely the best of friends, it does not stop their constant competition.
I really lamented over this for a while. How could I teach them to cheer one another on when they were always engaged in the same activity? They even share their birthday!
Then it occurred to me. On a random day, just because, we would celebrate one child. The twist would be that instead of letting the Boy of Honor choose the course of events, his brother and I could do the planning. It gave us an opportunity to think about what we love about him, and what he enjoys, too. The honorer was just as invested in the day as the honoree the way any hostess or event planner would be. He also has the chance to be of service to his brother – by cheerfully putting away all of the laundry, or bringing him a snack. He gets to be selfless by allowing his sibling to choose the game to play. He gets to be creative, by coming up with a special ideas, a drawing, or a dinner plan.
The result is always good. It isn’t elaborate or star spangled but it is planned with love. I think this could probably work well in any home when siblings get to the competitive age. After all, deep down – we all want to know that we are loved and appreciated.
