Cool Clothes

November 20, 2012

I have had many of my preconceived notions about parenting shattered over the years, but one really took me by surprise. I thought that, because I had sons, that I would not have to worry much about their clothes. I thought, what could be difficult about jeans, tee shirts, and sneakers?

Our wardrobe problems started rather early. Due to their sensory issues, the children could only wear soft comfortable clothes with no tags, gentle waistbands, and no annoying seams. It took a little bit of extra effort to find the right items, but it was doable. The big problems didn’t really begin until they hit the tweens and became fashion conscious.

My guys have been doing mixed martial arts for several years now. They really enjoy the classes, and the people they train with. They also enjoy “the look”. The problem with MMA branded clothing is that most of it is covered in skulls, and some have logos or tag lines that are a little bit menacing.

That’s fine for the adults who train. They have a fairly good idea about image and interaction. It is a little bit different for twelve year olds – especially twelve year olds who are not adept at judging other people’s body language.

I want my children to develop a sense of identity. I want them to dress in a way that allows them to feel like they are a part of a community that they admire. At the same time, I don’t want them to project an image of thuggery, or for their clothing to set up a boundary that could possibly put people off and make them think that my sons are not kind and caring young men.

Ah, the conundrum. Especially at this time when they are testing how far the boundaries extend in regard to their tone of voice and attitude as well. I see them practicing different postures, facial expressions, and trying out different vocal tones. I can’t help but get a little bit wistful for the old days when it was all about superheros and saving the world.

I weighed my options about how to handle wardrobe restrictions. I could be the mean mom, and pick out their clothes for them, and have them wear things that they didn’t like. They would look handsome, and they would also assume I was a terrible person who must hate them and want them miserable.

I know there are going to be some far more important issues ahead of us that we will disagree upon. I don’t want to waste all my Mommy Dearest trump cards before I get to things like curfews and driving. Instead, we compromised and came up with some limits. I put a stop to the gruesome death skulls and daggers. I allow the recognizable brand logos, small stealth skulls that are more cartoonish, and shirts that have positive messages rather than threatening ones. If it is about working hard, not giving up, or being courageous – it is okay. If it implies that we like to inflict pain, are superior to others, or are some kind of gangster, it stays on the rack for somebody else to buy.

We came to an agreement and I spent some time explaining why even though it is only clothing, what we wear says something about who we are – and their clothes were telling the world that they were unapproachable, and maybe even scary. I showed them pictures of people in magazines, and we talked about how their clothes gave us an idea about the models even though we didn’t know them. It was a helpful exercise.

Then, we talked about some special times we had with friends or family. I would ask them, Do you remember what he/she was wearing? Usually, they did not. Then we talked about how most of the people they loved don’t dress that way, so it must be possible to be a good and “cool” person without a stylish wardrobe. What we remember about people is how they treat us, and the fun we have together. It was such a wonderful opportunity to reinforce what really counts – character and actions.

Another way to drive this point home was to have them wear sweatpants and plain tee shirts for a day. At first, they were mortified, but as the day went on, they were just their usual selves.

Finally, I had them think about their martial arts classes. I asked them if they knew why everyone wore a uniform. Of course, part of it is to make it easier to do the sport, but uniforms also accomplish the goal of putting everyone in a position to prove their merit by action. In a uniform, nobody can tell who has more style or money. We don’t know what music or team or video game they like. The only way to stand out in a uniform is to perform well. The colored belts are earned. They can’t be purchased. This revelation served to reinforce my point.

It isn’t the clothes we wear – it is what we do, how we perform, the things that we say, and how we treat others that matter the most. At the end of our lives, I think we all hope we will be remembered for kindness, generosity, friendship and optimism – not our snappy wardrobe!